Slipknot

Well this is gonna be quick...so we had a miscarriage and that really sucks big fat donkey balls. I had a very rough 1-2 weeks and my emotions were through the roof. I am feeling a little more mellow now but I still have my moments. If and when we ever get pregnant again...I am not telling anyone until almost the 2nd trimester. It was devastating having to tell everyone what happened. Secondly, I don't think I will be using the line "maybe it happened for a reason" again in the near future. From a mourning person's point of view, that means "you wouldn't make a good mom" or "you are not ready to be a parent". I am sure that was never intended but the little sensitive girl I am somehow pulled that out of the "it happened for a reason words". The good things things I have learned are that 1. I am not in control of what happens, how it happens, who it happens to, or anything else that would be nice to have control over. 2. I have to ask for help sometimes..I love to bathe in my pity pot and hide in my hole of darkness. It feels lonely and horrible, just like I do. Or want to feel at times. So anyway, I asked for help and spoke with people and started feeling better. But I still want to commit mental suicide and isolate.

And on to the next gripe...both of Burt and my license plates are expired. I am driving around scared that the cops are following me. I feel like a retarded criminal...but we don't have money to plate them. We don't have money for food or anything. Burt works his ass off and doesn't have enough to pay the bills. The economy sucks ass. And I can only work very part time because of school. Someday we will make better money but it is getting to that someday that makes me want to scream.

Ok getting out of the dirty pot again...but not until I say I want to choke some people, cause I do.

I know life is gonna get better.bla bla bla, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I tell ya what though, I have a husband that I love with all my heart, I have music to calm the caged monkey in my head and to get out my rage without hurting people.

But now I am talking to my sponsor and feeling happier so I'd better wrap up and focus.

I love all my maggot friends. Truely do!